Embracing The Void

I was definitely in a very bad place emotionally. It's hard to describe because I've always had
a good family. My father has such a great heart and my mother was full of fire and brimstone.
We could argue all day long and would be so mad at each other but....if someone ever did
anything to hurt me, she would be the first up in their face. She didn't care if it was man, woman,
or Trolloc. Over the years, I have truly grown to appreciate that. It's hard to see it when you're a
teenager (and many kids don't always have a good relationship with their parents) but they were
always on Team Thorkin from day one. I drove them crazy, made them laugh, and made them cry
but all they've ever wanted for me was happiness. I dearly love to make kids smile! When a little
one comes through my mine at work, I LOVE making their faces light up and seeing them smile
and give me a high five! I truly feel the closest to my true self when I'm doing that and entertaining
the customers. I get that from my father. He has the biggest heart and melts when it comes to
children. I get my temper from my mother. I will pitch a complete fit about things and fight for
what I believe in. My mother is such a strong woman and would float upstream if you told her she
HAD to float downstream. She has such a wild spirit because there is no telling her what she can or
cannot do. She'll prove you wrong or die trying. Oh yeah, my mother is a Maiden of the Spear if
there ever was one. (Wheel of Time reference) LOL! So, now you see what I'm working with, eh?

So, it's difficult to explain to someone how, coming from a position like this, that I would not be
able to connect with people properly. I mean, I can be funny and comforting but not feel able to
accept it when it's given to me. It makes you think maybe something's not right with you or that
maybe something is just not working inside you. I see people around me making friends easily
enough and I'm usually the first one to greet new people at work. I have many friends at work but
when I leave they are just "the people at work" or "the people on Facebook" or "the people on
DM." I don't ever feel that I really connect with a lot of people even nowadays. So, I have to remind
myself by rereading old messages or keeping things people send me so, when I'm down and not
feeling liked by anyone or all alone, I can read them and feel better again. Does that make sense?
I am a chore to be friends with so I want to take a moment to truly think the ones that have not left
me through it all even though I probably avoided or ignored you in some way. It's just me being
an idiot. It's not you. Just give me a swift kick in the ass and I'll come out of it. They know what I'm
saying and thanks for reading, ladies. *winks*

Anyways, speaking of ass kicking and back to the story (because it's nearing completion I promise),
there was one cool moment during this time in my life. It came during some structured sparring
time. My specialty was hand-to-hand combat. I preferred it to be up close and personal. Knives,
swords, daggers, it didn't matter to me if I could have something to hit somebody with. There was a
guy named Erik and rumor had it that he had hit his girlfriend a couple of times. I have always been
taught that it was never okay to EVER put your hands on a woman no matter what she did. So, I
came in one day and walked over to where they kept the lists (of people you were scheduled to spar
with). I noticed that Erik had me in a week from that day. I knew that what I was going to do would
spell trouble in the form of punishment for me but sometimes you have to do what you have to do
in life. Damn the consequences! There is right and there is wrong. Erik didn't know this but I had
no intention of sparring with him that day. I had pretty well decided that I was going to kick his ass
for him. I didn't want to ruin the surprise because I'm sure he didn't tell his girlfriend he was going to
hit her beforehand. Now, Erik wasn't a bad opponent so it wasn't exactly like that dream was going to
be easily obtained. I walked out to greet him and got into my stance. I normally would rush them a
little but I went to one of my places (more on these meditation techniques below) and fed all of my
anger and hate into it. I felt my blood turn cold and everything went silent and was still. Then, I
opened my eyes and motioned for him to come at me.....and then proceeded to administer the
beating of a lifetime on this guy. I didn't have to know where he was was, I could feel it. I just
focused on his energy and felt the wind as he moved. I don't think I remember him even touching
me once. It was just like those nights dancing with the katanas in the moonlight. I just reacted purely
on instinct and actually did something my teachers had been teaching me about. I fought with my
mind and not my body. I think they said I hit him on just about every spot on his body at least a
couple times. I was like water, as the Shaolin Ch'an philosophy teaches. I was there but out of reach. I folded like a stream running through the valley. You can touch water. You can see water. But you can never possess it.

The kendo instructors were pleased but the Shaolin ones were less impressed so, as expected, I got
a beating for that stunt. Actually, I got several after that because they felt I needed to get the anger
beat out of me. They had never met my mother so all they did get out of me was a little blood which
I coughed up on occassion during one of these. It is what it is. I believe it says somewhere in the
Bible that by His stripes we are healed. I grew a lot more respect for Jesus after that. It's all good
though because with every crack of the shinai, I just heard thunder and lightning. Hammer and
weapon. I needed to be tougher. I asked God for wisdom and patience and He was giving me just
what I asked for but just didn't know it yet.

I use a few different methods when focusing. These are the ones I was taught at least. I didn't use
them until later on in life. In the first one, I visualize that I'm standing on an icey lake and the moon
is out. The ice is not thick so I have to be careful where I step and mindful of the weight
distribution. In the center is a blue flame that I feed all my cares, feelings, hurt, pain, and joy into.
The second one is being on the deck of a ship while it's ablaze. It's also sinking so you have to focus
on acting quick and being steady. You have to control your breath due to the smoke. You might
choke. The third is imagining that I'm on a highwire trying to balance from one end to the next.
You have to quit thinking about anything else and just imagine you and the wire....your feet and
breathing. The the final one, which is my favorite and you'll see why, it placing yourself inside
the eye of the hurricane. All your world could be falling down around you and everything can be
blowing out of control but not you as long as you stay inside the eye of the storm. Nothing can
touch you!

I wish I was listening to that back then because, unfortunately, I was still a very lost and lonely
young man. I even further ruined the good name I had previously held by showing up to a
homecoming football game drunk. That really hurt a lot to think I had embarrassed my family that
much and that guilt led me to almost the most cowardly thing of all. They say the darkest times
come just before the sun begins to come up.

-Thork